What would I tell you my daughter and son?
What would I say to you?
I am sorry for not being the perfect mother......
I am sorry that I couldn't be the mother that you wanted me to be ....
If only I had the chance ....
I would tell you how much I love you
How much I wish that I could be part of your life
My dear children,
I love you more than life itself, with every fibre of my being. No matter that it has been a long time since we have had contact with each other. A mother never forgets the love that she has for her children. She never forgets the moment of their birth or the part of her that they are. You do not carry a child within you and not know that Heavenly Father has given you a special blessing.
I wish I could have been the perfect mother, whatever that is, the mother that you would have wanted to be with and love forever. The mother that you wanted to be a part of their lives .... sadly I realise that for you and I pray only for now, that I am not that mother. I wish I could take away the fact that you did not have a whole family, that things turned out the way that they did. I wish with all my heart that life could have been different than it was ..... sadly, there were some things I had no control over, there were some things that were completely out of my control. Because of decisions that were made, life as I knew it changed in ways I could never have expected.
I grieve for the fact that I am not part of your lives. I wish you could find it in your hearts to forgive my failings and weaknesses and just love me for who I am, but I realise that this is not the way that you see it. We only have control over what we do. We all make our own choices in life. I understand that for now these are your choices.
If I could tell you anything, I would tell you that I love you and that I want to be part of your lives. I would tell you that I am not perfect and never will be ..... I am human. None of us are perfect. I would tell you that life is so short, that we cannot change what has happened. That we cannot make things different or change the past. We can move forward and make a new future. I respect your right to make that decision.
I would like a chance to be forgiven. I would like a chance to love you and be loved. I would love at least to have the chance to say that "I am sorry" ....
The hardest part is not knowing what to say or how to say it. I wish there was something I could say
to you that would make a difference .... somehow there is not that opportunity.
I never knew how sad I could feel or how hard this could be. All I want is a chance to take you in my arms and tell you how much I love you and how I wish I could change all that happened and make things different. I wish I knew what I had done that was so terrible that even now, all these years later, that you still feel you cannot love me or talk to me. That you cannot be part of my life. In the end I do know that you may never reconnect with me again and I although sad, I have come to an acceptance of this reality.
Lastly, I know that somewhere out there, I have beautiful grandchildren that I would love to know, that I would love to have as part of my life. These special spirits are part of you, my children, and that makes them a part of me.
I pray that one day you may find it in your hearts to forgive me and reunite with me again.
All I ask is for a chance.
I dream of the day...........
For now there is a hole in my heart and a place that cannot be filled .... but I say this to you with an open heart expecting nothing, but hoping that there is a chance for another day and a different future.
Love always
Mum xoxo
3 comments:
How could anyone not want such a wise and loving person in their lives, Lotti? I recently had to tell my 18 year old daughter, through tears, and in a difficult situation, that I may not be the mother she needs right now or the mother she wants but I was the only mother she had and that she was a loved and wanted child. It is very hard to be the "right" mother for all your children through all the different stages. But I think you show that you can be an honest, loving and generous human being and we are all trying to do our best. I hope your children come to see that, whatever the circumstances. we are all just trying to get by and do our best. Your plea for forgiveness breaks my heart and I only hope you message somehow gets through to them. All the best x
Thank you for your lovely comments, much appreciated. I totally understand how you felt about the situation with your daughter. It is never easy. I am at least grateful to have the ability to put it all in perspective and come to some sort of acceptance, even though I have my moments here and there. Shame that having children didn't come with a manual of some sort. I guess it's a case of work it out as you go along.
I love you dear woman! My mother heart aches for you, though I'm sure I can't imagine what it is like not being able to have contact with your children for these years... but I know that you are strong, and that Heavenly Father has wholeness for you in the future. Much love always xoxoxo
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