I didn't choose to be single and if I had it my way I'd still be married and enjoying that life ... but it was not to be (see yesterdays post). Does that mean I have to be unhappy ? ...... definitely not. Does that mean I have to feel a failure because my marriage didn't last ? ..... definitely not. Most importantly does that mean I have to feel that I am nothing without a man ? Definitely, definitely, not.
I had the dream of being married on into my old age, of enjoying my grandchildren alongside their grandfather and sharing the joy of being a grandparent with them. I had the dream of growing alongside the man that I loved and sharing all the good and bad parts of growing old together. It's hard to watch the man that you once loved and shared your life and share your children with be a part of your grandchildren's lives and you are not. I choose not to be bitter over this .... I choose to accept for now that this is the way life is for me. I don't like it, but I accept it. It doesn't mean I don't get sad about it or wish it were different, but I accept that this is the way that things are for now.
Being single isn't all negative .... well I don't see it as being negative, even though I feel that being on your own is not the way I want it to be. The positives are .... not having to make dinner by a set time, I can chose what I want to eat, when I want to eat. I get to have the bed all to myself, and that's definitely a plus. I get to go out when I want to and don't have to worry about anyone else. I can please myself when I want to go away or to go out and don't have to worry about my husband. That's the upside .... or it might be considered the up side. Having said all that I'd still prefer to be married.
I started last year and my continuing focus in my life that is in front of me is to become a better person. I've decided the only thing that I can work on and change is me. Like I said in my last post, I don't have control over what others do, only what I do. So that's what I choose to focus on ... ME.
I figure that if I work on improving myself and being happy with who I am as a person, then I will be happy. I worked out a long time ago that I can be unhappy and sad and have a miserable life, especially if I focus on what has happened to me, the things that seem so unfair ..... or ...... I can chose to focus on the good in my life, and the things that do make me happy. I can have an attitude of gratitude and be very grateful for the good and happiness in my life. I do choose to be grateful and it's a good feeling.
One of the most important things that I have learnt is that you have to be happy from the inside. Nothing, not a single thing, external to yourself, will ever make you truly happy. There is no other person that can make you truly happy, if you don't feel happy. If you don't feel truly happy then you have to find something to do, even if it's only one thing, one small thing, that makes a little bit of difference to making you feel happier. Slowly, but surely, with each passing day, if you do one little thing every single day, you will start to feel happier. You have to work at it and you have to put in a small effort, oh and sometimes, a BIG effort, but if you work at it you can get there.
So, like I said, this is the year for working at improving myself and being happier with who I am. I figure that people are more attracted to happy people, than those that are constantly negative and unhappy.
Come along for the ride if you want to .... the ride to a more rewarding, fulfilling life.