Sunday, December 2, 2012

REVERB 12 .... Day 2

What is your most significant expenditure in 2012?
It doesn't have to be necessarily the biggest expenditure, just the one with the most impact.
What difference has it made to your life?

Every day during the month of December in 2012, you are warmly invited to check in here @ I Saw You Dancing to share the #reverb12 experience. Each day, a new reflective prompt will be posted to support you in:

* celebrating the successes of 2012

* honouring the challenges of 2012
* planting the seeds for a rich and rewarding 2013

Well I've really had to think outside the box on this one.  I haven't made any purchase of financial significance this year.  So I had to think about something that I've done that has had a significant cost to me of a non-financial nature.  Well that's been tough, because at first I couldn't think of what had happened in my life this year that might have had a significant cost to me in any way other than financial.

My beautiful spring baby
This year for me has been one that I would consider a year of LETTING GO.  Letting go of things that may have happened either a long time ago, even years ago, and then some that have happened more recently.  The expenditure in all of this has been more of an emotional cost than anything else.

The biggest emotional expense that I've had this year has been finally letting go of my two oldest children that I don't see, and particularly my eldest child, my daughter who is married and has a family of her own. The last time I saw my daughter was 14 years ago when she was 16 years old.  I haven't seen my son in about the same length of time.

Connected to my children are my grandchildren that I have never seen, only in a few photos.  They are beautiful and precious and I wish more than anything that they were a part of my life.  I wish that things weren't the way that they are right now.  I don't know if they are ever going to change.  I don't know if my daughter will ever choose to make amends with me.  

I have written to my daughter, some time ago now, and her response was brief, but ultimately she didn't want to try and reconcile with me.  I have also tried to make contact with her on her birthday each year and at Christmas every year and still she choses not to have contact with me.  Her expectation has been for me to say what she wanted to hear, and when I didn't, she decided that making amends and making this right wasn't as important as her being right in all of this.  Right now I don't truly know what I have done that is so terrible that she can't make amends with me.  I would talk to her and work this out with her in a heartbeat, just to hear those words, let's talk.

So in saying all of that, the biggest emotional expense for me this year has been letting go.  Realising that no matter what I do, she is an adult now and has the ability to do as she wants.  I have no control over what she does or says.  I have no means of changing what she does or changing how she feels.  Whilst letting go has been hard and I still feel teary at times, feeling the emotion of becoming a grandmother again a few weeks ago when her youngest was born, I know that letting go is the right thing to do.  It's the right thing for me.  It's the right thing so that I can move forward.  

primary school graduation in an outfit made by me

I still love my daughter and that's why the emotional cost has been so great.  I won't ever truly let her go completely, I don't think that is possible; for how do you let go a child that you gave birth to, and nor will I ever ever stop loving her and I'll always hope and pray that we will reconcile one day as mother and daughter. 

No matter where you are or what you do I will always love you my daughter.  No matter if you love me or not, or never tell me again that you love me; I will always love you.

One day should you want to be part of my life, I will be there.

In the words of one of my favourite children's books ...... "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" ("Love you Forever" by Robert N. Munsch, Author and Sheila McGraw, Illustrator).   


Tracy said...

My heart really goes out to you. I pray that one day you will have the reconciliation you desire.

Kris said...

(((((<3 )))))